Corporate Lessons

February 28, 2011

Corporate lessons

by Rahul

 Mon Aug 14, 2006

CORPORATE LESSON #1:

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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, The wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, The next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 Just to Drop that towel that you have on”. After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands n*ked in front of Bob.

Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

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MORAL OF THE STORY:

Share critical credit information with your Stakeholders to Prevent Avoidable exposure!

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CORPORATE LESSON # 2

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A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The Nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry sister, but the mind is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the Church, the Priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.

It Said, “Go forth and seek; further up, you will find Glory.”

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MORAL OF THE STORY:

Always be well informed in your job; or, you might Miss great Opportunities!

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CORPORATE LESSON # 3

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There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they Rubbed the Bottle, a genie appears.

Thankful that the 4 guys had Released him Out of the bottle, he said, “Next to you all are 4 Swimming pools,

I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and Jump, you shout What you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true.”

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE”. The pool immediately changed into a Pool of wine.

The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian’s turn, he did the same and shouted, “VODKA” and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, “BEER”. He was so contented with his beer pool.

The last is the American. He was running towards the Pool when Suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards The pool
And shouted, “CRAP !!!!!!!………”

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MORAL OF THE STORY:

Mind your language, you never Know what it will land you in.

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CORPORATE LESSON # 4

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A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a paper shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing Work?”

“Certainly, Sir” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.”I just need one copy.”

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MORAL OF THE STORY:

Never, ever assume that your BOSS knows everything.

http://www.fropki.com/corporate-lessons-vt2873.html

Corporate Stupidity

February 28, 2011

Corporate Stupidity

by Saurabh

Wed Nov 10, 2010

“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.”
(Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

“What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.”
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.”
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

“This project is so important we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.”
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.”
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

“No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.”
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.”
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.”
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.”
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

http://www.fropki.com/corporate-stupidity-vt41575.html

How to Spot Workplace Bullies and Creeps
By Kim Droze, Special to LifeScript
Published November 06, 2007

Jerks are like bathrooms: Every office has them. They’re the insensitive clods whose actions leave colleagues feeling stung. And they’re rampant in today’s workplace. Now a book aptly titled The No Asshole Rule: Building A Civilized Workplace And Surviving One That Isn’t (Warner Business Books, 2007) offers help for those with co-workers from hell. In this LifeScript exclusive, author Robert Sutton shares guidelines for identifying the office jerks and mastering effective strategies to deal with creeps, tyrants, egomaniacs, and other undesirables…

They come in all shapes and sizes. They cover every age range and both genders. They hold entry level, management and executive positions. They are the office jerks – the people who demean and demoralize their fellow workers, according to Stanford professor and organizational psychologist Robert Sutton.

In his new book The No Asshole Rule, Sutton addresses the age-old problem of social tension created by workers who inflict misery on others. Blue-collar or white, no workplace is immune.
“There’s demeaning behavior and [there are] crazy people at every level,” Sutton tells LifeScript.
However, the “boss from hell” figure, like Meryl Streep’s tyrannical magazine editor in the 2006 movie “The Devil Wears Prada,” is all too real. According to Sutton, the higher up the corporate ladder you look, the more jerks you find.

“A lab study showed that those in positions of power become more focused on satisfying their own needs and less focused on the needs and reactions of others,” Sutton says. “People also start acting as if the rules don’t apply to them.”

What role does the pecking order play? “It does tend to roll downhill,” says Sutton of bullying and other bad behaviors. “Fifty to 60 percent of abuse [involves] higher-status people whomping lower-status people. At least 35 percent is peer to peer, and 30 percent of the people kick up.”

“When you start looking at occupations like universities, law firms and hospitals with very powerful professionals, there tends to be more kicking down,” says Sutton.

The Makings of a Meanie
Although it’s usually a cinch to figure out who the office bully is, Sutton has compiled what he calls the dirty dozen – a list of 12 tactics jerks use. They include:

1. Making personal insults
2. Invading a colleague’s “personal territory”
3. Making uninvited physical contact
4. Using threats and intimidation, both verbal and nonverbal
5. Using sarcastic jokes and teasing to couch insults
6. Sending withering e-mails
7. Making status-related jabs to humiliate victims
8. Publicly shaming others or using “status degradation” rituals to humiliate people
9. Rudely interrupting
10. Launching two-faced attacks
11. Throwing dirty looks
12. Treating people as if they are invisible (in other words, ignoring them)
Jerks use a variety of approaches, Sutton says. There are the blatant bullies who scream, yell and insult others. Then there are the closet terrorists with more subtle styles.

These covert operators inflict their harm through political and social systems. They’re the textbook two-faced backstabbers – civil on the surface, but underhanded when it comes to launching an attack. Because they’re skilled and restrained enough to strike when their victim isn’t looking, they’re harder to stop.

Bad for Business?
As the old saying goes, one bad apple can spoil the bunch. An office bully can shatter morale. And the damage goes beyond emotional bruising. Office jerks can actually cost companies money.

Sutton gives the example of “Ethan,” a high-earning salesperson who worked for a Silicon Valley company. Although Ethan was one of the top producers in the corporation, he was temperamental, belittled his co-workers and often fired off scathing e-mails at night, Sutton says.

Needless to say, no one wanted to work with Ethan. He couldn’t even keep an assistant, which forced his employer into a long search process to find a qualified candidate.

After spending five years mediating between Ethan and several of his colleagues, the company decided to find out how much his antics had set them back. They tallied up the time Ethan’s direct managers, HR professionals, senior executives, and various counsel spent dealing with issues related to his behavior; added it to the cost of recruiting and training an assistant for him; factored in the overtime costs associated with his last-minute demands; and calculated the cost of his anger-management training and counseling.

All told, Ethan’s outrageous behavior had set the company back a whopping $160,000.

Fighting Back: The Best Ways to Battle BS
It’s a company’s responsibility to create an ass-free environment, Sutton says. Hence, all employers should enforce a “No Asshole Rule.”

Firms can take plenty of measures to protect themselves. Among them: having a written policy of acceptable and unacceptable workplace behaviors, weaving the rule into hiring and firing policies (what constitutes a fireable offense), getting rid of jerks who slip through the cracks, treating the weasels like villains rather than heroes, and teaching constructive confrontation to those who are being jerks.

In reality, though, the burden of battling a bully may fall upon you. So how do you deal?

1. Do your best to ignore it.
Most likely, if you’re dealing with an office jerk you’re already trying to do this. In which case, you may need to step up your efforts. “If you can’t get out, learn not to care,” Sutton recommends. “Practice indifference. Learning not to care is as important as it is to be excited about what you’re doing.”

2. Build a case against the jerk.
What if you’re mad as hell and can’t take it anymore, but you can’t quit? “If you’re in a situation where you’re feeling constantly abused, you don’t want to make accusations without facts or you’ll end up in trouble,” Sutton says. “Systematically document your case so you’re in much better shape.”

3. Consider quitting.
It’s the most extreme option and not something to take lightly. However, being subjected to verbal or emotional abuse makes you more likely to get physically and mentally ill – not to mention miserable. It can also turn you into a jerk; you may stoop to a jerk’s level by adopting the tactics you’ve been subjected to in order to defend yourself.

And victims aren’t the only ones who suffer. One British study revealed that 73% of people who witness verbal and emotional battering suffered increased stress and 44% worried they might meet the same fate.

Hostile workplaces often have high turnover. Research shows that 25% of victims and 20% of witnesses to bullying quit their jobs. Unfortunately, many people don’t have the luxury of walking away from an abusive job.

http://www.lifescript.com/Life/Money/Work/Office_Jerk_Alert.aspx

Simple steps you can take to create a Customer-Friendly Organisation:

Communicate to every level the importance of customer service and the behaviours you are looking for regarding that service
Recognise employees when they demonstrate positive service behaviours, both formally with awards and informally with certificates, medallions and hand-written notes of thanks
Constantly give specific examples of good customer service
Emphasise the concept of internal customer service. And treat your employees well! The quality of service they offer your customers is directly related to how the employees are treated themselves
Empower your employees to make decisions and break the “rules” to satisfy a customer
Train your people—all your people—on this customer service-based culture from the moment they are hired